Words that Hurt....Words that Heal

I am often struck how thoughtless we can be as human beings. The classic rule of "Open mouth and insert foot" is something we are all guilty of at one time or another. Myself included. Strangers in their ignorance and niavete speak words that can sting. In most cases, their words are easily dismissed. However, a loved ones thoughtless words that unwittingly and unconciously hurt, leave lasting scars that take many years to heal.


One of the things that have I told people time and time again is how I really learned and understood who my friends were when I found out I was pregnant. I as said in previous posts, I rememberd how scared I was when I suspected, then confimed my pregnancy. I had many friends in my workplace, but there were only two that I felt comfortable with my secret in the beginning. And their collective reactions cemented forever in my heart why I valued their trust and friendship. When, I shared my impending parenthood with my friend Cindy, her first response was to ask how I was and then wholeheartedly offered her congratulations. The second, Annette, took a deep breath, and asked me how I felt and if I was happy. That took me a bit by surprise, but after a second, I could respond with "I'm going to be fine and yes, I was scared, but very happy." The two of them became the most protective mother bears and were my staunchest champions when I was feeling the pressure. I will forever be in their debt.

Still, it did amaze me that perfect strangers and aquaintances could say the most thoughtless and hurtful things. When coworkers from another part-time job found about about my pregnancy, they were more concerned about the parternity then how I was or felt. Another coworker upset that I didn't make a point coming in and sharing the news with her personally. Or the patient that I registered for the hospital when I was in my later months of pregnancy who was making idle chit chat with me. He asked me what I was hoping for as far as gender and I told him my standard answer "A healthy baby is all I want." He responded (and yes this is a direct quote) "Well I would sure hope for a boy, because they don't come home at 16 pregnant and ready to go on welfare" Because of course, the boy would bear no responsibility for the impregnation. Those type of comments could be maddening, but though they were not easily forgotten (obviously) they didnt' really effect me in the long haul. I could maybe get a little angry, but still shake my head and let it go.

I think the one thing that stayed with me for a very long time and took me a while to forgive was a comment made by my own sister. We were in Florida and at a very nice restaurant for dinner celebrating the news of her own pregnancy. We were trying to decide on our appetizers and as I didn't really care, I responded with "I don't care, I'm easy" With a laugh, she responded, "Well, that's obvious". Okay...... chalk it up to post partum hormones, and the baby blues, but that hurt. Was that what she really thought? My own sister. In my head, I could rationalize the tacky, but well meant joke. In my heart, I was so incredibly hurt, that if she said it, she thought it. I love my sister dearly, but that is something that always stayed with me. I know she has no idea how much that comment effected me. But a funny thing happened not too long ago. This same sister and I were discussing parenting and making observations. She said something that took me by surprise and though she didn't know it when she said it, healed a heart. She said she had been talking to a friend about a mutual aquaintance who was a single parent whose child has been, to put it mildly, a challenge and a terror. When the friend tried to excuse the parent, because they were a "single parent and what can you expect", my sister said told her that was no excuse. I was a single parent and have raised a child that is bright, articulate, and well adjusted. Lack of a spouse was no excuse for a hellion. I was so touched that she defended me and in doing that defended the decision to parent withouth a partner.

In a perfect world, we always say the right things. We never offend or hurt with words or deeds. In a perfect world, there is a happily married family with 2.7 child and there is no divorce, or death. In a perfect world, there is no war....you get the picture. But you know what I realized in all of that. Sometimes its that harsh or hurtful word that makes me grow and stand up for myself. That gives me the stubbornness to prove them wrong. Do I get defensive sometimes? Absolutely. Am I easily hurt? Yes, much more than people realize. Would I live it all over again.? Without a doubt, yes!

What keeps me going? My faith....My family....and those wonderful friends who I know care and will always support me.